Hillary Duff Finds Me Attractive
Reason
Hillary Duff Probably Digs Me:
I’ve
heard nothing to the contrary
This
much is true—I have yet to hear a single thing about Hillary
Duff not being completely into me. And of course I find that flattering.
Not that I’m attracted to Hillary Duff in the least, of course.
After all, Hillary Duff is only sixteen, and in many provinces technically
a minor; and because I believe in nothing else if not justice,
I find Hillary Duff as approximately sexually charged as a pile
of ham. Those disgusting pert breasts of hers, that tight little
sixteen-year-old bottom? Please. you couldn’t pay me enough to
to bounce a quarter off that flat, smooth, tanned stomach of hers.
Not
that this has stopped Hillary. Because, as mentioned earlier,
I’ve been given no reason to presume that Hillary Duff doesn’t
want me, I am left with no other conclusion that, in fact, she
most likely wants me pretty bad. Otherwise why keep it such a
secret?
The
poor girl’s got a crush in a bad way. And while of course I lust
after her not even slightly, ripe, nubile young sixteen-year-old
that she is, I’m nonetheless flattered that she holds me in such
high regard. No doubt she’s practicing writing "Hillary Pozzy"
over and over again in her diary, with big swirly loops and hearts
over the i’s. And someday, when she’s perfectly completely
legal in every province, we’ll have a drink, and I’ll show her
my diary with "Chris Duff" written over and over again
with big swirly loops and hearts over the d’s, and oh, the laughs
we’ll have. Oh, the drinks we’ll also have. Oh, how drunk she’ll
get. But mostly the laughter.
Until
then, consider me forbidden fruit, Ms. Duff. All the hearted i’s
in the world won’t change that, even ten million hearted
i’s. Do well to remember that.
